1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.

2. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle; so never use them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

7. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they’re just to make the highways look progressive.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Las Vegas look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are not readily enforceable.

10. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that the driver tailgating and flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you’re lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Culinary Union.

12. Learn to swerve abruptly. Las Vegas is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to our creative highway crews, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers reflexes and keep them on their toes.

13. It is traditional in Las Vegas to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.

14. The last lane to the left is normally reserved for senior citizens with one or the other turn signal on, large slow dump trucks with a full load of gravel and no cover or frustrated tourists who believe it to be the passing lane.

15. Do not gesture at, or chastise, the driver who passes you at 80-MPH in the far right lane — he is probably an off-duty policeman.

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